Tuesday, May 22, 2012

The c word.

To be honest.. We have been a bit off our kibble the last couple weeks. The basic reality of what our life is, me mourning what was, has all been a bit to digest.. yet I find myself rejoicing and praying/begging for days, years and decades to come. I would like fifty years together please.

The harsh reality is we don't know. We pray, push and live, for only God knows our days.

In your twenties it's easy to feel nearly invincible. Your future seems limitless as you enter marriage, parenthood, home ownership ect... But soon realities of frustrations, tears, struggles, and foreclosure, enter life. It is hard but it still seems possible.

Then enters cancer.

Invincibility gone. Possibilities on some days seem impossible. More tears shed, frustration and anger. Parenthood is challenging beyond belief. Marriage is changed as our new roles emerge. Nights become long.

We can't live in this. For our days are numbered. All of our days are. No one is immune. So we let go. Control of our lives seems to be nothing but an illusion that never was.

Faith moves in. Morning comes. Smiles, laughter, joy and kisses begin to fill the moments. I force myself to do the things that need to be done. Anger becomes better understood as we understand this new brain. Patience, peace and promise remain where anxiety tends to creep in. We have no choice but to look forward. Living in each moment. Making the most of this gift of time and life.

It is far from perfect. I still have moments where the grass is greener on the other side, before cancer. The normal moments I used to take for granted. The ability to dream open dreams without harsh realities of the nasty c word lingering in our minds.

It's hard to watch people, for I long for how simple it once was. It's hard to hear others complain and not want to whine, or slap them, for what is so big to them, yes I know it's big to them, yet it seems small comparatively. I would love to be dealing with normal things. Cancer sucks.

Honestly, not complaining but even the best intentioned have opened their mouths and been a hurdle for us in this journey.

I do ask this. Do not give advice unless you have worn these shoes. Do not judge. Do not give pity. (personal pet peeve, has been for years)

Do have grace as we are changed. Do be patient as we learn. (Joel is getting to know who he is again.) Do be positive and genuine. (this is a requirement) Do love your loved ones, like you don't know your days. (which you don't) and do please continue to pray.

We know with God all things are possible. We trust in Him.

Thank you for continuing to be on this journey with us.


Debbie said...

Jill, what a beautiful post and very well said! I have so much admiration for both you and Joel! You are both amazing as well as your beautiful daughter!

MumMum said...

ah, sweet daughter...If I could I would take this all from you! Yes, this whole thing does 'suck'. No young people should go through this! But, we have a blessed assurance in Christ! I'm blessed to see your faith and trust through this. No, not perfect, but then who of any of us is?? I have no idea how I would have felt at your age going through this! I have no idea how I would feel going through it at my age! There are no rule books! I love you very much and you know I'm there for you! Praying, holding you and holding you up!

Shauna said...

Love what Auntie Dolly wrote.

I hear you on so many points in this post.

Love you Cuz.

Marsha said...

Although we have never met, I am in awe of your maturity. I have known the Dougalls since 1992, and I'm so glad that God put and Joel together. What a blessing. You are in my husband's and my prayers daily.
--Marsha Boes

Auntie Peggy said...

Wonderfully expressed Jill, I believe through it all, you are blessing others by sharing how God is keeping you strong & courageous, for the Lord your God is with you..Joshua 1:9...agree with your mom, prayers to continue & love extended will continue to hold you up day by day..God bless & strengthen you each day my sweet niece.