Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Life goes on...

The last weeks brought Joel's 30th birthday. Thankful! Thankful, to say the least. We are so grateful.

Missy has been busy! She has gotten lots of cousin time in. She adores her boys! Easter and Hayley's surgery brought many times for memories.

Hayley, my sister in law, had her mastectomy last week and is recovering well, considering.

Me? Busy too! My house is a mess, but I am feeling better. Last night I had my first success at running with a decent time!

Joel's next scan in May 13th. Pray his scan is clear! For we are on the cusp of hearing "remission" one word I long to hear. Also pray as we make more decisions, effecting his care, job and our life.

I can't say "thank you" enough to our army of family and friends!

Here are a few photos from Easter... thanks again Hayley for taking them.

Friday, April 5, 2013

A rant about work..

Work. I talk about it rarely. I enjoy my job. I love caring for people. My job is life and death. Adrenaline filled, fulfilling movements, where I can make a difference in one person's world. It is truly a privilege to be in this role...

But today, well, it was not my favorite. I found myself at the side of the dying and grieving families begging for more time. This is my job on a given day. I consider it an honor to be present at first and last breaths on this earth. A mission to have compassion and grace in the hardest/ sweetest moments of life.

Why today did I not like it? I was torn. Torn between compassion and empathy, with feelings of being annoyed that people would complain about elderly loved ones passing. They had time. They didn't have to live life with a constant sense that life slips quickly, or can change in an instant. I was jealous of the little man married 60 years. I was annoyed at the 50 year old daughter.

I was jealous.

I want that.

I want those things desperately.

I still hate you cancer. This will never change.... Because...

I want to be married 60 years, I want my daughter to have her parents for a long time. I want....

I was desperately wanting to have those dreams.

Dreams. Dreams that cancer has robbed and only my God can redeem. A cure, miracle, or healing, however it may come I pray my God redeems these dreams. For we have already lived, and survived the unexplained...

Isaiah 44:23 is on my mind tonight as...

Tomorrow I will face another work day. With my head held high, compassion in my hands and joy in my voice, for I do have hope.. I have today. This moment with my family, friends and strangers alike. I choose love, not anger. And thanksgiving for today, not worshipping a false idol of what "I want" tomorrow to be. I chose this moment, to be content.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

One year..

One year ago today was one of the longest days of my life. Joel's surgery at Ucsf. A 5 hour surgery evolved into more than 11 hours. But we came out triumphant.

It's a bit bitter sweet in our house today, bitter for what we have had cancer change, the constant stream of appointments, the on-going sense of a guarded future, the lack of understanding of how remarkable his recovery is, ongoing pain and injuries getting in the way... But a sweetness also follows. The sweet stubbornness of me, that is nothing more than determined, Joel's love for life and our daughter, his raw determination to work well, and well he is still alive, running. Thankful. For every moment of pitty party that may go on, hours of thanksgiving and celebration follow suite...

One year. One year ago, I sat next to my dad in the most uncomfortable waiting room. Anxious for every call, or word on Joel. My dad and I cracked jokes, drank cheap coffee and watched TV, grasping for distractions on my longest day.

We survived. Joel came out looking worn out, and I managed to sleep a short time.


Continue to pray for healing.. Our next scan is in may.

Most recent photos from Easter!