Thursday, September 27, 2012



What can I say about cancer?

My husband is not the same. His brain has changed, emotions are different, he gets tired easy and frustrated faster.

We are living in an injury that will be with us. The trauma of cancer and many scars... As well as the portions that remain inside his brain.

Connections are different, we have seen each other at absolute worst. Me stressed to near break, pushed beyond what a person can bear. Him enduring physical trauma like that of torture- Yet, remaining positive, even illogically...

Cancer. Few understand it. Many try with deepest intentions, but until you live through oncology offices, devastating news and still have to get up in the morning and function, you don't know cancer.

Until you face normal life understanding yours is so far from "normal" and hold back tears out of shear sadness for what you are loosing, you don't know cancer.

Until you watch your other half so completely out of control of his mind and body, you don't know cancer.

Until you explain to your beautiful child, why daddy is so different, you don't know cancer.

Until you find yourself, explaining to strangers why you may not have more kids, you're glaring down people coveting handicap parking in long days, you're navigating impossible finances tighter than before, you find yourself arguing with insurance companies, filling out paper work, phone calls, being hyper vigilant, you fear every twitch is a seizure, you plan everything because spontaneous days are over, you are feeling 20 years older than our counterparts, you are finding it hard to connect with friends and family- yet alone make new ones, and random advise of good intent makes you scream. Until this you don't know cancer.

Dr appointments run in our life. Brain changes run in our life. Exhaustion runs our life. Change runs in our life. Cancer changed our life.

Cancer. I hate you.

But God I trust you.

I continue to trust you. The first moment in the depth of the valley, you were there. I was never alone.

You changed my cynical spouse into a man who loves. He views life with grace and courage. I am so proud of his raw determination. It's amazing. He is brave. God you are good.

God you have shown me we can be pushed to the limits but our bodies and minds are your creation. They are amazing seemingly without limitations. Adaptable, evolving into the roles that need filled. God you are faithful. There is fruit from this season.

A new normal is blooming, what pains me that with this, there also blooms more cancer.

Give fruit to this season once again Lord. Renew us as we step forward day by day. Cancer or not you are beside us. Continue to provide and strengthen us.

Thank you for praying for my family.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Difficult to digest

We are back home from the hospital... I am feeling ok but am extremely weak. My energy level is low. I ache. Asthma stinks.

Joel had a 1st day back at work... He loves his job and is so thankful that he can work, yet it's hard to walk into an unfamiliar yet familiar place! It's gonna take time but I know he can do it.

Today he had a nerve study done on his neck. They feel like there is damage to nerves and its effecting his shoulder.. An MRI will be done and more pt.

On a more difficult note, my sister in law, Hayley was diagnosed with breast cancer this evening.

Cancer. I hate cancer. Our hearts are broken tonight. I know oh to well the pain my brother is feeling. His beautiful other half is now facing something so far beyond our grasp. But God is greater. His love endures and with Him all things are possible.

What the next few months bring? No clue. A cure for cancer would rock. What are the chances that both my brother and I would have young spouses diagnosed with cancer in the same year? .. I can imagine quite slim, but it still happened....

My gut wrenches out of deep agony for the pain inside my brother. It's as though a knife had plunged deep into your heart. I vomited for the whole night after we were told. My mom had to help me get dressed... My heart is broken. I never want anyone to feel that pain. Pray for Aaron and Hayley. Pray over my beautiful nephews.

Here is her blog

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Familiar view

I mentioned in our previous blog, that I wasn't feeling well. And due to me being stubborn I was determined to not end up at my hospital. Yup I lost. Yesterday I got sicker. Earned a few days of rest, steriods, ivs and uncomfortable beds. I have to be honest, I fought admit, due to the finances... And stress.

Bright side Monday Joel goes back to work! I am so excited for him, and proud of him!

It will be 3 days a week starting at four hours and gradually increasing, eventually to full time! We are thrilled! And thankful!

Despite being in an uncomfortable bed... I am thankful this morning. Thankful my husband can sleep in the room with me, thankful for my amazing rt friends who care deeply. Thankful I can catch a breath for a few minutes anyways.

Pray for Joel as this role reversal is hard. Pray for our daughter as she needs peace. Pray for sleep and recovery for me. I am looking better but still sick.

Sick of hospitals. Asthma sucks. Cancer stinks. Praying specifically over a dear sister today that we aren't going to have more hospital time in days ahead. Complete healing and negative biopsies from here on out.....

So it's been a stressful year but we continue onward trusting the best is ahead.

Sunrise from my room this morning, beautiful river view... Too bad I never slept to wake up to it! Ha!

Sorry it's random I am puffy and a bit wired this morning!

Thank you for loving and praying!

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Few more photos

A few more pictures from the weekend! We are thankful to have connected up with this group. We look forward to many years together! Bend cancer center, you rock, thanks for recognizing the young survivor!

They teamed up with First descents, it is a great organization and we are blessed for Joel to be a part. I look forward to joining up as a rock as well!

So since asthma isn't cooperating for me, I slept less than three hours last night... I crafted, cleaned and watched tv today. I honestly am bummed since running our 1st 5k may have to take a bump for me... I was really looking fwd to running it with Joel. Poopy. Wow must be on steroids... I said poopy on the blog! Plus I actually finish crafts I start... Tonight yarn wreath. I feel a spring wreath completion and some coasters for the living room?

All busyness aside...

Thursday we have a work meeting. Please pray over this with us. I am claiming continued health care coverage.

Thanks for continuing to follow us. Your love, compassion and generosity has been a powerful force...

Monday, September 17, 2012

Fun weekend

We had a fun weekend!

Joel joined up with a group called first descents. Other young cancer survivors and rocks (the supporters) go on adventures!

Mckenzie river rafting!

Me? Princess and I had fun seeing family in central Oregon! Horses, cousins, and a spoiling auntie!! We loved it! Looking forward to next time already.

Continue to pray for Joel's work return. We are getting close!

Pray we can maintain his health coverage... As mine doesn't compare.

Also continue to pray for our return to the new normal. We are getting close but we ache for this.

We remain thankful and encouraged. Some days are harder, but it's just day by day. I read less about cancer. Pretty much concluded it bites, but we fight.

To our friends and family that have been patient and compassionate in this journey with us... Thank you. We are learning, but have no regrets in this. Other than the whole stupid cancer thing....

Enjoy our weekend fun photos!

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Work, school and summer winding down...

Busy. No other words describe us. Preschool is in full swing, as are all the viruses that follow... Thankful we aren't doing chemo right now. She loves preschool and it's given a little more time for appointments, phone calls and errands.

We are continuing the paper trail, to get Joel back to work. This is important for his recovery and insurance benefits. He is doing well otherwise. His has pain in his shoulder at times, occasional headaches, and is making more progress daily. Nutrition modifications and supplements seem to help as well.

Myself? Busy too. Work has been busy and left me worn out at times. I seem to grind my teeth and keep breaking fillings/teeth. Oh stress. Ha, ironically we have less stress but at times I feel it more. Canning was my activity today, jam made and freezer full of goodness for the winter. Salsa, peaches and applesauce in the next weeks!

Joel, is going to go rafting this weekend with other young cancer survivors. First decent is the group, its a national organization providing adventures for cancer patients! Joel is stoked! Praying friendships are forged from this.

Continue to pray for his return to work this is important to him. And a step toward a new normal.

Thank you for continuing to pray, love and support us. I am thankful for continued compassion. It continues to ease this journey a bit.