Thursday, September 27, 2012



What can I say about cancer?

My husband is not the same. His brain has changed, emotions are different, he gets tired easy and frustrated faster.

We are living in an injury that will be with us. The trauma of cancer and many scars... As well as the portions that remain inside his brain.

Connections are different, we have seen each other at absolute worst. Me stressed to near break, pushed beyond what a person can bear. Him enduring physical trauma like that of torture- Yet, remaining positive, even illogically...

Cancer. Few understand it. Many try with deepest intentions, but until you live through oncology offices, devastating news and still have to get up in the morning and function, you don't know cancer.

Until you face normal life understanding yours is so far from "normal" and hold back tears out of shear sadness for what you are loosing, you don't know cancer.

Until you watch your other half so completely out of control of his mind and body, you don't know cancer.

Until you explain to your beautiful child, why daddy is so different, you don't know cancer.

Until you find yourself, explaining to strangers why you may not have more kids, you're glaring down people coveting handicap parking in long days, you're navigating impossible finances tighter than before, you find yourself arguing with insurance companies, filling out paper work, phone calls, being hyper vigilant, you fear every twitch is a seizure, you plan everything because spontaneous days are over, you are feeling 20 years older than our counterparts, you are finding it hard to connect with friends and family- yet alone make new ones, and random advise of good intent makes you scream. Until this you don't know cancer.

Dr appointments run in our life. Brain changes run in our life. Exhaustion runs our life. Change runs in our life. Cancer changed our life.

Cancer. I hate you.

But God I trust you.

I continue to trust you. The first moment in the depth of the valley, you were there. I was never alone.

You changed my cynical spouse into a man who loves. He views life with grace and courage. I am so proud of his raw determination. It's amazing. He is brave. God you are good.

God you have shown me we can be pushed to the limits but our bodies and minds are your creation. They are amazing seemingly without limitations. Adaptable, evolving into the roles that need filled. God you are faithful. There is fruit from this season.

A new normal is blooming, what pains me that with this, there also blooms more cancer.

Give fruit to this season once again Lord. Renew us as we step forward day by day. Cancer or not you are beside us. Continue to provide and strengthen us.

Thank you for praying for my family.

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