Friday, April 5, 2013

A rant about work..

Work. I talk about it rarely. I enjoy my job. I love caring for people. My job is life and death. Adrenaline filled, fulfilling movements, where I can make a difference in one person's world. It is truly a privilege to be in this role...

But today, well, it was not my favorite. I found myself at the side of the dying and grieving families begging for more time. This is my job on a given day. I consider it an honor to be present at first and last breaths on this earth. A mission to have compassion and grace in the hardest/ sweetest moments of life.

Why today did I not like it? I was torn. Torn between compassion and empathy, with feelings of being annoyed that people would complain about elderly loved ones passing. They had time. They didn't have to live life with a constant sense that life slips quickly, or can change in an instant. I was jealous of the little man married 60 years. I was annoyed at the 50 year old daughter.

I was jealous.

I want that.

I want those things desperately.

I still hate you cancer. This will never change.... Because...

I want to be married 60 years, I want my daughter to have her parents for a long time. I want....

I was desperately wanting to have those dreams.

Dreams. Dreams that cancer has robbed and only my God can redeem. A cure, miracle, or healing, however it may come I pray my God redeems these dreams. For we have already lived, and survived the unexplained...

Isaiah 44:23 is on my mind tonight as...


Tomorrow I will face another work day. With my head held high, compassion in my hands and joy in my voice, for I do have hope.. I have today. This moment with my family, friends and strangers alike. I choose love, not anger. And thanksgiving for today, not worshipping a false idol of what "I want" tomorrow to be. I chose this moment, to be content.


3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I miss you.. You know I understand and I am sending thought of peace and strength my friend. Terry

Anonymous said...

Very eloquently said Jill.

Jocelyne said...

I do understand Jill. My daughter Lara has the same brain tumor as Joel(met him on young cancer site). Her younger sister Sophie is carrying a baby for her a girl due in 2 weeks. My fear is that she won't be around to see her into adulthood. But I have to think one day at the time. No change on scans for the last two years!!!
Jocelyne